So its been a little bit since I've blogged. Figured I'll write a new one today.
I am currently at work, dealing with fussy unhappy children, so ive put one down for a nap and Flintstones on for the other. [i had no idea the Flintstones were still on TV]
I just recently had my first trimester screening and Perinatal ultrasounds. Got some pretty cute pictures of baby Adam. I just hope and pray he is a healthy baby and that nothing is wrong or goes wrong :) I love him already. and so does Ryan. infact Ryan is being absolutely adorable about the whole thing. He is so excited and anxious! It just makes me even more excited too! I need to enjoy the no crying while I can. Even though I still listen to crying all day at work. haha. I just cant wait to give him tons of kisses, to give him baths. everything. :)

I also very much wish it was Summertime. I miss the sunshine and the heat! I want to go to the beach. I want to sit and soak up the sun. And the sun and heat always makes me feel good and puts me in a good mood!

I am officially 21 now. It doesn't feel any different, besides the fact that now I can go places and dont have to be left behind, or hold Ryan back or anything. Thats all im happy about. I could give a shit less about drinking. I dont like drinking anyways.

Either ways, i guess thats all thats new. will post more later.

:)

First break today. BOTH my kids are asleep at the same time, which is most definitely a beautiful miracle. I NEEDED a break. im really not feeling good today. Tummy ache, headache. BLEH. AND i have to work late today, which sucks. but Lani's mom told me i have to on wednesday. God, i cant believe ive only been back at work for 3 days. i cant even explain how terrible these days were. it seems like ive been here about 2 weeks straight. I am so grateful for this weekend. I dont know what it is, i just dont feel good whatsoever. And Mila has been more fussy and whatnot recently, which is not the business. Ive just been really stressed on everything at work, and i can like feel the tension in my stomach when i do get stressed out and that isnt good for the baby.

Last night i had a really weird dream. i honestly cant even tell you about all the DIFFERENT dreams i have every night since ive been pregnant, i have so many i barely remember them. But yesterday was just a rough day for me. things just werent going well, and i wasnt feeling well. Ryans grandma was hauled off in an ambulance at 530 am. which is MUCH earlier than i would like to be woken, especially when i dont sleep very well anymore. i toss and turn all night. i have weird dreams. i cant even explain how terribly i sleep. and then when i wake up. my entire body hurts. just ACHES. not stop now. frustrating. But back to his grandma. She was taken to the hospital because her breathing was too shallow and too frequent. On top of already having pneumonia and serious pain from breaking her hip a few years back. And apparently once an older person breaks their hip, its pretty much all down hill from there. She said all she wants to do is go to heaven and be with her husband. Although i am not close to her, that made me really sad and made me start to tear up. Mainly because i hope when i die there is a heaven and i get to be there with the loved ones that went there before me. I cant imagine a better afterlife :)

But last night, in my dream, I was crying because Ryan was with another girl or something [which is fairly common, i have dreams he is with other girls every so often] Which sucks, but its just my wild imagination hahah. and last night, whoever he was with, it made me really cry in my dream, and i guess i was crying/hyperventilating too hard and it woke me up.... so then i started crying in real life. hahah. i guess i needed that little breakdown in the middle of the night after how awful yesterday was.

Im just glad today isnt going as slowly or as terrible as yesterday. But im still not completely feeling well. i dont know why.... well, i guess i DO know why [baby] but i dont like it. not one bit.


And i miss my best friend kel. Last night she wanted to come visit me cuz i was feeling terrible but we had to go to the hospital to see ryans grandma. which im glad and not glad that we did at the same time. haha

Last night his grandma was just completely losing it.
She thoguht Myles was on her hospital bed. she thought she was at home and not at the hospital. She was like miming knitting. she really thought she was knitting right then. its was really strange to see. she was just imagining all these crazy things. it was really sad.
and she was shaking. looked like she was in pain, wanted to get out of bed and walk around, but she obviously couldnt. Tried to pull all the needles and what not out of her. I think it was hard for ryan to see her in that state. hes neer really been around someone that was really sick or in the hospital.

anyways... i dont think im going to type much more. my head is really killing me.

-until next time

Just finished doing dishes. Talk about a total mess. Now i'm sitting here on the couch looking around at the rest of the house as i right this and i cannot believe how messy everything is, so do not want to clean.

Anyways I suppose no one really cares about the cleanliness status of my house. so im going to sit here, eat some spicy sweet chili Doritos and just ramble for a bit, considering i havent been on blogger for almost a year i think its been? lord who knows. Im starting up again for my best friend. its probably a good way for the two of us to keep up with eachother in diary format, simply because texting long stories fucking BLOWS and LORD KNOWS i do not talk on the phone. ;) hahah

I am feeling very content lately.
I have a best friend that never fails me.
I have a husband who loves me.
And apparently, I have a child inside me. :)
haha
Im truly excited, i feel i am finally fulfilling what i am meant to be most; a mother.
I have constant dreams about this kid. Its crazy.
If we have a girl we are naming her Avery and if we have a boy we are most likely leaning toward Adam. i think i am going to talk to Ryan soon about making his middle name James. Since we are indeed making Avery's middle name Jane, after his grandmother, i really want to make Adam's James because of the most influential person i had in my life, Jim [James]. and i think Adam James sounds pretty cute. Can you tell Ryan and i are white? lol if you couldnt before, you can now with the names weve chose for the kids. haha

I have dreamt about Adam pretty much all week. All except for last night. I was almost sad not to have a dream about him last night. i got used to seeing his cute little face. He was adorable, with big greenish/blue eyes. and dark hair. even though he'll grow up to have blonde hair. lol. thats pretty inevitable. im really blonde and ryan was blonde as a kid, it didnt become a light brown until he was older.

Either way. i miss little Adam. haha. i liked those dreams. he was smiling. and such a little cuddle bug. with silly hair. hahah :)

anyways i really need to shower, ill check back in later.

...here we go again

I don’t really know what to do or say or think.

im just upset. all the time and its beginning to suck to say the least. I try to plan my wedding everyday. and everyday the reality of it becomes more and more slim. I don’t have the money and my family doesnt have the money and ryan’s family doesnt have the money, and were supposed to all split it. I’m probably the only girl that HAS a grandpa, but he still wont “help” with things. It’s just really frustrating. and ive been dealing with it my whole life. i dont know what to do. i wish there was a way for me to make more money so that i could pay for this damn wedding. its so frustrating. i think its hard for people to comprehend MY life, and the things ive gone through. and its so upsetting. people dont understand what its like to grow up in a family where you dont have any money beside the money you use to pay the bills. I guess no one will understand that. My family doesnt have money, and the members of my family that do certainly wont “help” out.

i have not one person that is “excited” about this wedding. its like im the ONLY one. no one was “excited” when we first revealed the news that we had gotten engaged. and no one is excited now. and it really sucks.

im just so over this whole thing. i dont want a piss-poor wedding. idk. im just frustrated.

fuck and it seems writing this only made me more frustrated. cool.

i guess ill stop now

Just about every night I lay awake, listening to you breathe. The soft breaths you take giving me the signs that you are now asleep. But I am, yet again, awake. So I lay thinking about my day, my week, everything. And then you stroll across my mind. So many thoughts when you come in... how grateful and lucky I am to have you. How I couldn't picture my life without you. And i know i want to spend every day of my life with you. I often think back to that first night we first got together. sometimes that night alone fills my thoughts so much i can barely think about anything else. Last night, this was the case. A little over a year ago we had spoken on myspace, exchanged numbers and it pretty much snowballed from there. You picked me up at about 11pm, we listened to 'The Surge' by Ion Dissonance because of the one breakdown you just needed me to listen to. We went to the park, where it was wet, dewey and not the warmest. After realizing you and i didnt know any of the same songs, which was our reason for getting together in the first place, you put away the acoustic and we wandered around the playground. After a while we decided maybe we should go back to your place to watch "Where the Light Is." Little did i know that a kiss and a DVD later you'd be the person i fall head over heels for. I knew so soon that i loved you, that you were everything i was looking for. It's weird to think that after a year, we'd be engaged, attempting to plan our wedding. I never thought i could love someone as much as i love you. I just can't picture my life any other way, but with you. You make me so happy. You support me no matter what, and i know that I want to share my life with you. So last night laying in bed listening to your breathing, i just thought about everything in our relationship.. the first time we hung out at the park, when you took me to the navy base, when we went to the Acacia Strain, our first Christmas together.. and every other moment we had together and i was just so happy. So happy to be where i am in life, to have you in it, to know i found the one person i want to be with forever. It's just crazy how far we've come, how much we've grown, where we are today and where we'll be tomorrow. You just make me so excited for everyday, because I know i get to have everyday with you. I can't wait to see what the rest of life has in store for us. I'm just so lucky to have you. I love you so much.

half way through my first day

I am tired, and hungry.
i must say nothing sounds better to me right now than food and a nap.
Being that my work is a house i would like nothing more than to walk 10 feet over to the kitchen and consume something filling and delicious. The fact that ive already thought about just snacking on something small because "no one would know" really goes to show how much i just want a little something. hahaha. but I stopped myself, simply because i want to follow through with this and do it the right way. Which i can tell now is going to be extremely hard. They say as soon as that hunger hits to drink some more lemonade to give your body what it needs. yes, you can bet im definitely drinking it now! I'm on my second bottle [half a liter], i should probably be starting my third, but i dont really drink that many liquids to begin with, so this is actually a stretch for me now. I'm trying... give me a break. so perhaps ill drink the 2 liters im supposed to on the second day... because i dont know if i can do more than the 1.5 liters. When i started writing this, about ten minutes ago, i felt very tired, low energy, but i drank some of the lemonade, and now im feeling surprisingly better and my energy seems to be up a bit.
well i guess this concludes my mid-day blog on day one.
...continued tonight.

Regarding Cayenne Pepper

The lemonade is actually pretty good, but the Cayenne pepper is killing me/it. I really dont think i can do it with the actual Cayenne pepper. I’m gonna have to look into getting Cayenne pepper capsules, its just too much for me otherwise.

I have begun

Today i just started "The Master Cleanse" in hopes to gain a healthier body, be more in tune with myself and perhaps even some clarity. I felt better, more at ease almost immediately, just knowing I was actually taking a step to begin something that i know is going to be really difficult. I need to learn how to follow through with things in life, for myself. I tend to give up when things get hard, but I really need to get rid of that extremely bad habit. I have potential, but do I harness that potential? Not Really. Takes a toll on me after awhile. I tend to get sad, quiet, and extremely insecure which is very unlike me, and i have been doing this my entire life. Breaking a life long habit isn't the easiest, but I'm willing, right now, to take that leap to not giving up on myself, the things i want and the people I love. So here's to starting a new life, for myself.