...here we go again

I don’t really know what to do or say or think.

im just upset. all the time and its beginning to suck to say the least. I try to plan my wedding everyday. and everyday the reality of it becomes more and more slim. I don’t have the money and my family doesnt have the money and ryan’s family doesnt have the money, and were supposed to all split it. I’m probably the only girl that HAS a grandpa, but he still wont “help” with things. It’s just really frustrating. and ive been dealing with it my whole life. i dont know what to do. i wish there was a way for me to make more money so that i could pay for this damn wedding. its so frustrating. i think its hard for people to comprehend MY life, and the things ive gone through. and its so upsetting. people dont understand what its like to grow up in a family where you dont have any money beside the money you use to pay the bills. I guess no one will understand that. My family doesnt have money, and the members of my family that do certainly wont “help” out.

i have not one person that is “excited” about this wedding. its like im the ONLY one. no one was “excited” when we first revealed the news that we had gotten engaged. and no one is excited now. and it really sucks.

im just so over this whole thing. i dont want a piss-poor wedding. idk. im just frustrated.

fuck and it seems writing this only made me more frustrated. cool.

i guess ill stop now